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Hoang is a friend who matches me well "spiritually". i often talk to him, when i feel that the topics that i'm having in my head was... too abstract, or even too personal to be told anyone else. recently, in one of our talks, he made a good suggestion that i should dig my unconscious more. i did that, and whoo, there were many layers of feeling unseen, of shame, and of guilt.

i briefly told him about my secondary school experiences of being bullied, and my high school experience of getting lost in video games, and told him it's a general theme of shame and guilt. somehow, he was relating it to "comparison" in my relationship with my ex, when i felt insecure when she hung out with her male friend (she confessed that she used to have a crush on him, but they became "bros" and the relationship was platonic, but the fact that she hung out at his house, and even drank with him, made me unwell).

it did not land well on me, i admit. i think it triggered the "unseen feeling", where i felt like Hoang was projecting his past issues on me (for more than one instance, i noticed that my stories often receive unrelated linking from him that felt very much personal experience). i then cascaded to more bad thoughts about him: i sometimes feel like he is too much of a wimp who could not get himself out there for a good career, or to pursuit something seriously (i noticed that he kept switching between the horoscope, and tarot, and eastern astrology and such). typing it out, i realized it was me who was projecting my issues out haha: i mean i could not get myself out in the past, but... it got better, but maybe my own feelings of that period was still lingering; i was a career-focused person, but i spread myself too thin sometimes with fullstack engineering, too.