2026-06-06
cầm thú
là thú biết đánh đàn
là thú biết đánh đàn
he thought about "impermanence", a Buddhism's term for the changes of everything. it led him to questioning: can there be something that is "permanence", or doesn't change? he kind of found "death". in the context of humanity or human life, with his limited knowledge, he felt like death is the only thing that would absolutely be there.
he spent like 1 day and a half binging this web novel. it helped him forgetting this loneliness, but when the binging ended, his loneliness was still there. he wondered what should he do to address it. he tried facing it, let the uncomfortable feeling consume him, but it didn't work. his feelings ranged from the usual numbness, to a subtle sadness, to a leaky boredom.
and it was what it was
Hoang is a friend who matches me well "spiritually". i often talk to him, when i feel that the topics that i'm having in my head was... too abstract, or even too personal to be told anyone else. recently, in one of our talks, he made a good suggestion that i should dig my unconscious more. i did that, and whoo, there were many layers of feeling unseen, of shame, and of guilt.
i briefly told him about my secondary school experiences of being bullied, and my high school experience of getting lost in video games, and told him it's a general theme of shame and guilt. somehow, he was relating it to "comparison" in my relationship with my ex, when i felt insecure when she hung out with her male friend (she confessed that she used to have a crush on him, but they became "bros" and the relationship was platonic, but the fact that she hung out at his house, and even drank with him, made me unwell).
he reactivated his facebook account, and clicked at random things, stalked his ex, visited this group, then finally read random posts that are recommended by facebook. it felt... both strange and familiar that using social medias did not bring him much joy. he deactivated his facebook account, then wrote this.
he wondered what was the purpose for this post? he was not sure if he was in pain. maybe it was boredom instead. he asked himself if he was conflating pain and boredom. maybe he wanted to analyze pain. the pain of being lonely. the pain of living. the pain of existing. it swirled, then shot up. he stopped to analyze it. he felt like it happened many times, but today, and the day after, he stopped and looked at it. it was gradually become more familiar.
i was reading this article , which is really thoughtful and well-researched, but i could not help but have questions back to the author, and told him: just don't care. you're trying to save the world using your own power, which is... pointless as the act requires infinity, while you, as a human being, are finite. maybe i was admiring him for being able to voice it out. maybe i thought he was a smart person, and smart people like he and i should give up on the world as it's the "smart" way to live. if i want to give up on the world, the world includes me, and i am giving up on myself, and... we all agree that it isn't good, right?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WzCxk--N4c
it reminds me of you
i noticed that my dad became slightly teary when he heard the news that i'm going to study abroad. his reasoning was that as i got older, i will be come more and more picky, and it will be hard for me to get married. somehow i was seeing through it that he, too, was sad, but he could not say so out loud.
i was reminded of a realization i made recently that growing up, i have always been... misheard and misunderstood, even by my parents. maybe it also made me feel unloved, but then i also questioned myself: do understanding and love really have to go along? going back to my dad, probably he didn't understand me because of our generation gap, but he cared enough that my leaving made him teary. wasn't it enough?
it felt sad when i look at the stands that used to hold your fish tanks. it reminded me of what you gave up for the move to saigon, only for us to start our parting there. it saddened me on how we both tried so hard, but the ending was not as happy as we wished.