social medias

he reactivated his facebook account, and clicked at random things, stalked his ex, visited this group, then finally read random posts that are recommended by facebook. it felt... both strange and familiar that using social medias did not bring him much joy. he deactivated his facebook account, then wrote this.

he wondered what was the purpose for this post? he was not sure if he was in pain. maybe it was boredom instead. he asked himself if he was conflating pain and boredom. maybe he wanted to analyze pain. the pain of being lonely. the pain of living. the pain of existing. it swirled, then shot up. he stopped to analyze it. he felt like it happened many times, but today, and the day after, he stopped and looked at it. it was gradually become more familiar.

random

i was reading this article , which is really thoughtful and well-researched, but i could not help but have questions back to the author, and told him: just don't care. you're trying to save the world using your own power, which is... pointless as the act requires infinity, while you, as a human being, are finite. maybe i was admiring him for being able to voice it out. maybe i thought he was a smart person, and smart people like he and i should give up on the world as it's the "smart" way to live. if i want to give up on the world, the world includes me, and i am giving up on myself, and... we all agree that it isn't good, right?

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the desire to be loved

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WzCxk--N4c

it reminds me of you

teary eyes

i noticed that my dad became slightly teary when he heard the news that i'm going to study abroad. his reasoning was that as i got older, i will be come more and more picky, and it will be hard for me to get married. somehow i was seeing through it that he, too, was sad, but he could not say so out loud.

i was reminded of a realization i made recently that growing up, i have always been... misheard and misunderstood, even by my parents. maybe it also made me feel unloved, but then i also questioned myself: do understanding and love really have to go along? going back to my dad, probably he didn't understand me because of our generation gap, but he cared enough that my leaving made him teary. wasn't it enough?

fish tanks

it felt sad when i look at the stands that used to hold your fish tanks. it reminded me of what you gave up for the move to saigon, only for us to start our parting there. it saddened me on how we both tried so hard, but the ending was not as happy as we wished.

fallen christmas tree

somehow the image reminded me of our first (and also last) christmas we were staying together. that time, you decorated a mini christmas tree inside our apartment. i have always been aphantasia, but... it didn't stop me from recalling this dimming yellow mood light from the ceiling, with the "flashy" decoration light of the tree. it was not something precise, but... maybe a memory fragment that scratched my heart.

sunshine

it was around 4 pm. sunlight shone through the bedroom that we were in before. i couldn't explain what and when and how, but i was deeply saddened. maybe unconsciously, i still missed you a lot, and deeply grieved what was lost. the night before, i had a dream where we supposed to be together in this party, but then somehow i still couldn't see you.

base belief

i've had a debate with my friend, where it came something akin to a... religious belief. he believed that "A is good", but i was asking if "A is good" is a suitable base belief. it led me to question my own base belief, and realized that i... both have it and don't. it's something a bit conflicting, like i believe that my base belief is influx/ever changing. i'm on my way seeing if i can really form anything more concrete, apart from that jumble.

để anh không

anh chìm trong nơi giấc mơ khi mà hai chúng ta còn nhau

being unseen

at 10 pm, he went to bed with a jumbled mind. it was because of being a "social" person in the afternoon. to him, it felt... not great nor bad, and left him with thoughts.

at 2 am, his sleep disorder woke him up. his mind was empty a bit, then jumbled with thoughts again. he tried to untangle it. things resolved back to "being unseen". it was a "common" enough pain for him. he realized it might be unconsciously his behavior: to not show himself because he is afraid that he would be unseen.

he wondered if that's why he felt that related to the pink guy/filthy frank act. it's about the fully expressive things a person can do, which contradicts to his fear of acting out, the fear of being unseen, even when he acts out.