somehow the image reminded me of our first (and also last) christmas we were staying together. that time, you decorated a mini christmas tree inside our apartment. i have always been aphantasia, but... it didn't stop me from recalling this dimming yellow mood light from the ceiling, with the "flashy" decoration light of the tree. it was not something precise, but... maybe a memory fragment that scratched my heart.
it was around 4 pm. sunlight shone through the bedroom that we were in before. i couldn't explain what and when and how, but i was deeply saddened. maybe unconsciously, i still missed you a lot, and deeply grieved what was lost. the night before, i had a dream where we supposed to be together in this party, but then somehow i still couldn't see you.
i've had a debate with my friend, where it came something akin to a... religious belief. he believed that "A is good", but i was asking if "A is good" is a suitable base belief. it led me to question my own base belief, and realized that i... both have it and don't. it's something a bit conflicting, like i believe that my base belief is influx/ever changing. i'm on my way seeing if i can really form anything more concrete, apart from that jumble.
anh chìm trong nơi giấc mơ khi mà hai chúng ta còn nhau
at 10 pm, he went to bed with a jumbled mind. it was because of being a "social" person in the afternoon. to him, it felt... not great nor bad, and left him with thoughts.
at 2 am, his sleep disorder woke him up. his mind was empty a bit, then jumbled with thoughts again. he tried to untangle it. things resolved back to "being unseen". it was a "common" enough pain for him. he realized it might be unconsciously his behavior: to not show himself because he is afraid that he would be unseen.
he wondered if that's why he felt that related to the pink guy/filthy frank act. it's about the fully expressive things a person can do, which contradicts to his fear of acting out, the fear of being unseen, even when he acts out.
that day, i had to make the decision for us to part, and we would go through it the day after. that night, we still went to a faraway movie theater. at one point, while the movie was going on, i snoozed. when i woke up, i was holding your hand. i wished that i could froze time, right then, at that moment, and the day after wouldn't come.
i walked by the bedroom that we used to sleep in. the room was dark, and the door was half-closed. i recalled similar nights of the year before, where i also stayed up late. i got into the bedroom, and sat on the bed. i wished that you were there, snoring and breathing and living, instead of being in my memory fragment. words hardly describe how much i missed you.
when i opened the iron doors
your motorbike wasn't there
i recalled that i drove it to your new place
i was reminded that we aren't together anymore
when i walked to the stairs
the steps are covered in dust
i recalled many times we climbed them together
i was reminded that we aren't together anymore
when i got into the dining room
the table and the chairs were there
i recalled how we used to have meals
i was reminded that we aren't together anymore
